another moral hangover. fuck.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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