so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What a dumb baby whore.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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