Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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