I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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