cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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