Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
