my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
