please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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