nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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