I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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