Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
