I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
