I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize