Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
