Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
