When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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