I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
