Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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