Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you didnt know i had herpes?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
