You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
