could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
