Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize