Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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