Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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