During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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