The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
