Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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