I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
