I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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