either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
