Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
