the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
