You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
