the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
