You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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