Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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