Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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