She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
