I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
