I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
