my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize