I wish you could order shots online.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my shit smells like andre
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Vodka?
Forever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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