wanna go halves on a baby?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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