The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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