i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
did i walk over a car last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
