hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
