I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
please don't ironically join a cult
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