after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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