i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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