his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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