hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize