He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
