I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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