too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
