If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
