I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
