a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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