Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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